One of the most interesting things I find about myself is the ability to overcome all things. However, it’s not always easy. At times, I would lay awake at night questioning the events of my past.. And then I get over it. As I said, it is not always easy. When I was 3 years old, my father left. I can hardly remember him, at least visually. The night he left, we took pictures at the One-Hour photo joint. Getting dressed up to go with Daddy was exciting, as I recall, and the picture is still in my photo album. The first few years after that are somewhat blank, as I had “I gotten over it”. Age progressed and school began. It wasn’t until the 2nd or 3rd grade that I realized something was missing. Family Matters (if im not mistaken) came on one night and showed a father-daughter dance. Being the little girl I was, I wanted that too.. [insert smiley] Along with the Super Nintendo, the Barbie, and Giga Pet. [end smiley]. I asked questions, even cried, but never got answers. Fast forward a few years, I was now 14 and a freshman in high school. Pops missed on the 8th grade promotion, awards and all that jazz; I did not want to go any longer without knowing who he is. Finally, after a couple months of searching–I grabbed the courage to call his Naval base and spoke with him. For about 15 minutes, I was happy! We talked about the basics, and of course, the big WHY. We ended the conversation on the premise that he would be visiting me shortly, since he was not stationed too far from where I lived. Being that I had just moved to that particular city six months ago, he said that he would be visiting me the following weekend. Ironic, right?

The following 90 minutes changed my life.

Minutes 0-20: I tell my brother and other siblings about the phone call, [insert feelings of joy] , start to call my bestfriend and tell her about the phone call. While on the phone, I’m interrupted by a familiar ‘beep’ which is signaling that I have a caller on the other line. Before answering, I check the caller id and notice that it has the name of a Naval base. I say my goodbyes and answer.

Minutes 21-80: A rude male voice asks to speak with Malaysia. I reply, this is she, who’s calling. Pop:Hey, Malaysia–this is Dad. Me:Oh hey, whats up? Pop:I have a question to ask you. How did you get this number?? To be honest, I was fully blown by the rudeness. I started looking around to be sure that he was, in fact, talking to me like that. I said, excuse me? He repeated, and this time, I added a little sass to my voice and asked, ‘were you not trying to be found?’ He replied, just answer the question. I said, Hmm.. I dont know, I looked through some files and there it was. I’ll save you all the details, but that man did everything in his power to break me. He told me, that I was my mothers fault. That I should get over him. He did not love me, nor want me. Basically, told me the things that you would tell a grown woman on the street. I gave him a rough ‘F’ you at the end of it. Laid my head in my hands and cried. The remaining ten minutes were of me crying uncontrollably in my mothers arms.

I do not know what hurt worse. The years of being fatherless, the false hope that I would actually have a father-daughter relationship, or the fact that I was blatantly disrespected. This very day marks 5 whole years since that episode, and I look back on that day with sadness. Not of my own feelings, but for him. I can only pray that God has mercy on his heart. For a man to attempt to break down the very thing he helped create is a sad thing indeed, and there are questions why. I understand they may never be answered. Thats alright.. It doesnt bother me. As long as my pain made him happy, thats fine. I have confidence in God. I know that when I am happy, he now will feel pain.

If there is anyone out there that has had a similar situation, or is going through it right now. Take a page of advice, and do NOT suffer at the hands of a MAN. You can cry, scream, curse, do whatever it takes to make you feel better. Do not hold that anger inside of you. You will only be hurting yourself. The deadbeat father is certainly not caring about your feelings and your random daydreams of kicking his behind. So squash them, and become productive. Once you have gotten to the point of no longer being able to cry, or the thought does not hurt you; you must forgive him. (Matthew 18:35 & Luke 23:34) From then on, the road to being bigger, better, and bolder than what he thinks you’ll ever become will become easier. Its up to you. Either you can spend the rest of your life grieving–or you can spend the rest of your life happy.